I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
