How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
