I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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