I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
