piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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