Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
