just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
