I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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