Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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