I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
