Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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