I skipped work to stalk him.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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