I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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