mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
