saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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