I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
