He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
