The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
even my farts smell like vagina
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
