White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
