i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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