cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
