i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
