Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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