he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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