Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
