Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
