Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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