I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
