Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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