how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
