I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
