i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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