I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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