he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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