You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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