god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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