left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
