My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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