After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
