I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
