It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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