I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
