I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
