Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
