mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
