Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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