So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
