Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
