There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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