Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
